Category Archives: Our Little Home

Autumn in the Playroom

These are some snapshots from our play area. It’s not really a room unto itself, but something of a room-sized alcove off of our main living area. It’s completely open to the rest of the main floor, but it also has it’s own defined space and it’s own feel. With all of my blunders in designing this house (and there were many), this room I did right. It works exactly as I envisioned.

It’s a space to be apart, but still near by. It can all spill out into the living area, but at the end of the day there is a specific place to tuck up all the toys, giving the grown-ups room to roam.

I was inspired to bring a bit of fall to the room this week. It was starting to take on a neglected air. I finally reinstated a nature table, albeit a very low key one. What few autumn books I could find are set out in a crate for easy access. I’m considering doing some selective unpacking to reclaim the rest. With pressed leaves in the windows and a row of pumpkins atop the kitchen set, it’s feeling considerably more festive.

By
building, celebrations and festivals, crafts, Homeschooling, Kids, Mothering, Our Little Home, The Healing Home
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A Little Public Service Announcement

Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it will seem silly. Maybe people will feel defensive or hurt. Maybe these are things better left unsaid. These are the thought I was having as I sat down to type this. And were it just for my own sake, I wouldn’t be typing at all. I know that it’s just that people don’t understand. Or, and this part is harder, don’t believe. I accept that and take the well-meaning intentions behind people’s statements, full well knowing that they are truly doing their best to be a comfort. I also accept being considered a narcissistic twit at times by people who don’t recognize my very real and very valid concerns. But as I thought about things, I couldn’t help thinking, how will people ever understand if no one explains? So, full well knowing that is might be my own children, someday putting themselves out into the world and looking for support, I’m going to try to explain.

Telling a person with MCS that the loss of a safe home is “sad, but it’s only a house”, “easily replaceable”, “all you need is love”, and whatnot, is the equivalent of telling an insulin dependent diabetic that the loss of his source of insulin is sad, but not a big deal and everything will be just fine in time.

I’m sure you all know that I’m as sentimental as the next person, especially about my family and my home. And this situation does greatly pain me. We have shared many hopes and dreams here that we now need to abruptly set aside. And I want to speak to that experience and I want others to speak of it as well. I suspect that in the coming weeks I’ll be talking about that aspect a lot. But right now, I feel it’s important to clarify the potential health ramifications of this decision.

When we moved into this house, I was on oxygen regularly. It wasn’t odd for me to collapse of pass out after an exposure. Speaking was often difficult and would frequently send me into severe coughing fits that made it difficult for me to get enough air. There were times when I was too weak to hold a glass to my lips. I cut off all of my hair because it took too much strength to lift my arms above my head to brush it. I was bed ridden sometimes for weeks on end. I lived in a constant state of brain fog. There were times while I couldn’t remember basic words like ‘water’ or how to spell my own child’s name. Really it was more a matter of not being able to get my brain to communicate with my lips or my hand. There were times when simple tasks like doing up a zipper, seemed like insurmountable obstacles. I suffered from regular migraines and was exhausted and in pain at all times.

My children all developed food allergies to every single food that they have ever been tested for (or all but a few), which is a sure fire sign of immune systems on overload. Two children developed serious yeast infections which left the folds of their skin raw and oozing pus and blood. One child spent hours every night rocking back and forth banging his head on the wall. The same child started randomly vomiting for no know reason and baffled the doctors with his symptoms. One child could never get warm and was always fatigued. One child developed learning disabilities that there was no sign of before and became so violent and unpredictable that he was diagnosed as being bi-polar. The baby started spitting up blood through his nose. All of them developed ‘allergic shiners’. This was life for us before this house.

A healthy home is the number one most effective treatment for an Environmentally Ill person and without that, any degree of recovery or regaining of health is very limited, if it’s even a possibility at all. The health that we have managed to reclaim is entirely due to this house. Without it I’m not even sure that we would be alive right now. I know that sounds drastic but when we moved in here we were in a state of fear for our children’s lives. Surely the sacrifices that we have made show just how serious the situation was and without care, could be again.

We know that we can safely live here. We don’t know if that is true for any other house. The only way to know is by trying. But the kicker is this…once we leave, we can’t ever come back. We’ll be voluntarily foreclosing on these two houses. And once the bank takes them, they are gone. There is no turning back.

So when people say to me what a relief it must be to have made this decision, how comforting it must be to know that our ‘hard life” is nearly at an end, I feel my body tense a bit because I am absolutely terrified and there is no comfort in it at all. I know that we have to do this right now and I hope that it will mean a brighter future for us all, but the risk that we’ve been cornered into taking is not a small one. And this turn of events is not minor in any way; what we are loosing right now is not ‘just a house’.

I want to say this now, not because I want people to feel badly about belittling our situation. I know that everyone means well and wants to be a comfort. I hope people will always feel comfortable talking to me in this space and in life. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to choose their words carefully or risk offending me, because you won’t offend me if your intentions are good. As I said before I welcome the sentiment of your words, even if you don’t really understand where I’m coming from. The reason I’m taking the time to share this now is the only way that life will become easier for people like me and families and children like my own, is if there is more awareness in the world.

In the spirit of raising awareness, if anyone has any questions about healthy homes or living with MCS, please feel free to post them in the comments at any time. I will try my best to answer them. At the moment I’m not very quick with replies, but I do try to get to them all eventually.

By
building, Life, Our Little Home, The Healing Home
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Our Little House

~Our old house~

We are going through some serious changes around here and I think it’s time that I explain the situation.

Building this house has been a long hard road. It wasn’t a choice that we made, it was a corner that we got backed into. Our illness made other living situations impossible at the time. Believe me, we tried, but all of our efforts were in vain and in 2005 we broke ground for the little house. We did our best to make the most of a difficult situation. We tried to be cheerful and we were deeply grateful, but we still struggled a good deal, all the same.

~December 8th and 9th 2005~

All of this time, we’ve been carrying the mortgage on the old house. We can’t sell it because we did the right thing and had it tested. And now we know. We know the connection that it had to our illness. It is documented all over the place. And even if it wasn’t and we wouldn’t be considered liable, I could never, ever knowingly expose someone else to such a health threat.

~December 15th 2005~

So, we paid our mortgage every month and at the same time drained our savings account to start building a house that we could actually live in. And then from there we kept running off of credit. Our debts kept accumulating until we were basically carrying the equivalent of two mortgages. And that’s just not sustainable. And even with all of that work and time and money being spent, we are still so, so far from being done. We have almost no siding and very few interior walls; inadequate insulation under the house and no plumbing; electric in only a small section of the house and on and on. It would take us years and tens of thousands of dollars that we don’t have to finish this place.

~January 2006~

Earlier this month we declared bankruptcy. And getting by is still a struggle. With no credit to put towards the task at hand, we’re looking at a solid decade before we get even basic plumbing. And that is if nothing else goes wrong (she said while trying to ignore the strange sound that the refrigerator has been making, the groaning of the water pump and the hot water heater that’s on the fritz at the old house, and the car that we just dropped off at the junkyard).

~September 2006~
This lifestyle is not an easy one and there are times that I feel on the verge of a nervous break-down and I do feel quite certain the Steve is working himself into an early grave. Meanwhile, the tasks of a day are so numerous and so all-consuming that we feel like the respective childhoods in progress around us are slipping away while we are both busy just trying to keep life going.

~breaking ground for the addition, July 20th 2008~

My dentist says that I’m wearing the teeth right out of my head with unconsciously clenching them and my muscles are so tight that they strain and twitch. Steve has had a herniated disk in his upper back for years now. It aches at it’s best and greatly pains him at it’s worst. He’s been told that his only option is surgery, but that he wouldn’t be able to do any lifting at all for several months afterward. We can’t get by that way, so he lives on in pain. Our bodies all wear the strain of years of illness, struggle and strife.

~August 2008~

I love this land. Three out of four of my children have known no other and the remaining child doesn’t remember life before here. It’s been blessed with our blood, sweat and tears. It’s been the setting and the source of many stories that are sure to be told over the years, rich in familylore. It’s a good place. I’ve given birth to babies in both houses on this land. Each drew his/her first breath by the fire of what we called home. It’s been the scene of joyous reunions, heartrending sorrows and lots of everyday living in between. This house has been our salvation in some of our darkest times and I often feel that we quite literally owe our lives to it’s existence.

~September 2008~

Thanks to this house, we are now well enough that we have the possibility of going out into the world to find housing we can tolerate. But it’s still scary. It’s scary on a lot of levels and for a lot of reasons. The truly terrifying part is that we risk reversing all of the strength and good health that we’ve gained being here. There is a chance that we may again have to watch our children suffer as our health deteriorates. We are going to do our very best to protect everyone but in a situation like this there is a certain element that has to be left to chance.

~August 2009~


As my dear, sweet husband put it, “It is awful and it’s going to break my heart too and my blood is literally in that house but we can’t do it anymore. We’ve done an amazing thing the past four years or so but I think it’s time to try to live more normally again.”

And so we’re abandoning this house that we’ve worked so hard and sacrificed so much to create. It’s a very difficult and emotional decision, but I do believe that it’s where we need to go from here.

Cautiously we move forward, with heavy, yet hopeful hearts and many little prayers, in hope of a better life for us all.

By
About Us, building, Life, Our Little Home, The Healing Home
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Around the Garden ~July~

I think it’s possible that this gardening season may be the most disappointing of my life. The season started off quite promising. We put in a profound effort in the beginning of the year expanding and adding in new beds and revitalizing old ones.
We got everything set up and planted at just the right time and it was looking like our harvest was going to far exceed that of any previous year.Then came not one, but two late frosts. The first killed the blossoms on the plum trees, the second the peach. There will be no stone fruit this year. The cherry trees managed to produce all of two cherries, which is a miracle in and of itself when you consider the magnitude of their black aphid infestation. As it turns out, our new raspberry patch was planted just wee bit too close to the vent for the dryer at the old house. That went not well. Live and learn. We did get some nice strawberries, but otherwise the home-grown fruit harvest is looking pretty sad.Then there was the rain. Oh the rain! All of June it rained. It was much cooler then usual and the sun failed to show it’s pretty face for weeks at a time. The tomatoes, peppers and basil all began to look sickly and stunted.Still our gardens at home are looking better then our crops at the community garden. Last year we heard lots of complaints from our fellow gardeners about plants being eaten. Our twin plots (some of the furthest from the woods) remained happily unscathed. All of a sudden this year, fences started springing up everywhere. And it seems that our “out of the way” garden suddenly became a lot more appealing. All of the squash starts that we so painstakingly nurtured on windowsills through the late winter and early spring, gone. All of the beans, corn, sunflowers, and kale, gone. All of our brussel sprouts and all of the brussel sprouts that we replaced those with gone. An entire 15′ x 20′ plot leveled and a good portion of the adjoining plot as well. We still have some eggplant and a couple of rows of tomatoes (all looking as pallid and puny as their home bound brethren), harvesting a bit from them is the most we can hope for.Oh, there will be a fence next year. There will.At least we still have flowers.

By
Gardens, Our Little Home
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snapshot (s)

snapshot
–noun
1. an informal photograph, esp. one taken quickly by a hand-held camera.
2. Informal. a brief appraisal, summary, or profile.

-in the context of this site
1. a picture in words and image(s) of an every day moment that might otherwise be forgotten.

I didn’t know that it was going to be a series, but apparently it is.


being read to
knitting in the garden with the “help” of little hands

By
Homeschooling, Kids, Our Little Home, snapshots, Yarn Crafts
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The Blessing

I thought I would share the baby blessing ceremony that we held for the little ones. I gathered inspiration from many sources and so it feels right to put this out into the world as a resource to others who might be interested in doing something similar.


Just a couple of notes first. All of the photos in this post are from before or after the actual ceremony. During the ceremony my camera was being used to film everything. We held the ceremony back in the woods by a small waterfall just off our property. All of the music selections were left to the discretion of the musicians. They each choose which song they wanted to give to the children as a gift.

We chose my dear friend Molli to act as guardian to Màiri. And our good friend and neighbor Seal stood in as guardian for Galen.

This is just a basic outline, obviously, not word for word.


The Blessing Ceremony of Galen Michael Millar and Màiri Rose

‘Au Clair De La Lune’ a duet, played on guitar, by Iain and my father

Molli gave a small introduction, welcoming everyone and explaining the purpose of our gathering.

Vows by Iain and Elijah and their Guardians (My sisters, Tina and Rachel):
I asked them what they would like to do for the little ones. Iain chose to sing “The Rainbow Connection” and Elijah played “Rock-a-bye Baby” on the recorder. Each performance was followed up with my sisters pledging to support them and guide them in their role as big brothers.

The Origin of Galen’s name (read by Steve):
We named you Galen, for it means ‘healer’ and ‘calm’ and you came to us at a difficult time in our lives and healed a part of our hearts. You share the middle name Michael with me. And Millar is the maiden name of your Great-Grandmother.

Galen’s Rainbow Bridge Story (read by Seal):
Iain and Elijah flap rainbow scarf over Galen
Once upon a time there was a little star child. For a long, long time he flew from star to star collecting light and music from all around him. One day the little star child went to the sun. It was a place of warmth shining like gold. There the birds, bees and butterflies sang to him of love. Next he went to the moon clean and glowing like new snow. From the moon he saw the most beautiful place- a place of flowers, trees, rolling oceans and four special souls who seemed to be smiling up at him. The little star child decided to use his gifts of light and music to cross over the rainbow bridge where a father, a mother and two brothers had been waiting for him. And so the star child came to his new home on earth…

Galen is held by Melody and Steve as the story continues
And his parents loved him the moment they saw him and they called him Galen Michael Millar and his name was Galen Michael Millar. And it was a cool, clear, morning when he was born and the sun smiled down it’s greeting warm and glowing upon him. Galen quickly settled into life in his new home and laughed for the first time when he was a week old. He giggled and smiled through sweet, sweet dreams.

And then Galen was one.

(light candle)*

And he played peak-a-boo with Daddy’s shirt, “Uuuuup!”, “Dooown” and rubbed his belly. He loved to “Hop up my Ladies” and hum little tunes all day long. He climbed and played and got into mischief and grew.

And then Galen was two

(light candle)

And he got his very own teddy bear and carried him everywhere. He sang “Goodbye Old Paint” at chorus and loved spending time with E-Daddy.

And now Galen is three.

(light candle)

He became a big brother because Màiri was born and he sings to her and rocks her back and forth and gets sad if he doesn’t get a “holding of her” He is everyone’s “little helper boy”. He wants to grow gardens and be a cowboy. He is “getting bigger to use a saw”.

Galen has grown strong and beautiful, funny, sweet and kind and we are blessed to have him in our lives.

I spoke on behalf of Steve and I about how much Galen means to us and how we promise to always care for him.

Then Seal said a few words about her role in his life.

My sister Tina sung “The One Who Knows” by Dar Williams.

The Origin of Màiri’s name (read by Steve):
We have named you Màiri, meaning ‘wished-for child’, after your Grandmother Marie —- and your Great-Grandmother Mary —-. The name Rose was given to you by your brothers.

“Charge to the Child” by Joy Harjo, read by Molli:

Remember the sky that you were born under,
Know each of the stars stories.

Remember the moon, know who she is.
Remember the sun’s birth at dawn that is the
Strongest point of time. Remember sundown

And the giving away to night.

Remember your birth, how your mother struggled
To give you form and breathe. You are evidence of
Her life, and her mother’s and hers.

Remember your father. He is your life also.

Remember the earth whose skin you are:
Red earth, black earth, yellow earth, white earth
Brown earth, we are earth.

Remember the plants, trees, animal life who all have their
Tribes, their families, their histories too. Talk to them,
Listen to them. They are alive poems.

Remember the wind. Remember her voice.
She knows the origin of this universe.
And that this universe is you.

Remember that all is in motion, is growing, is you.
Remember that language comes from this.
Remember the dance that language is, that life is.

Remember.

Baby Blessing read by Me:

(rubbing water from the brook on top of her head)

You are connected, protected, loved, and blessed by the Divine.

(rubbing water on her forehead)

All your senses are blessed, protected, and awakened.

(rubbing the water over her heart)

Your heart is blessed so that you may feel compassion for yourself and others.

(rubbing the water on both her hands)

Your hands are blessed so that you may reach out to the world.

(rubbing the water on her feet)

Your feet are blessed so that you may connect with the earth, be grounded, and stand your ground in this world. Know that your spirit is strong and it will guide you through this life. Know that you are being watched over and that you are never alone. Know that you are deeply loved and that your presence brings overwhelming joy.

As part of her blessing to Màiri, Molli quoted William Blake, 
To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

And then spoke of her love for Màiri and joy at being a part of her life.


I thanked everyone for joining us and directed them to the children’s memory boxes.

My sister Rachel ended the ceremony by playing a Minuet.


*We forgot the candles and improvised with dropping a leaf from high up in the air and watching it float down for each year.

By
celebrations and festivals, Kids, Our Little Home
10 Replies

It Has Come!

“It’s so beautiful! You never saw anything so beautiful! It has come! I thought it had come that other morning, but it was only coming. It is here now! It has come, the Spring!”
~Frances Hodgson Burnett as Mary Lennox



Look! Look! Little green plants lined up along all of my window sills…squashes, cucumbers, kale, morning glories, calendula…fox gloves, moonflowers, even Elijah’s favorite miniature zinnias…all just waiting for the earth to warm up just a little bit more.


Every warm, dry, day finds us out in the garden now. This weekend marks our first community garden work day of the season. Birds are appearing everywhere. The first surprise bouquet of flowers has been gifted to me and is currently gracing my table and delicately scenting the air. There are buds on the trees and I’ve fished out my worn and battered copy of “The Secret Garden” once again.


In short, dear friends, Spring is finally really and truly here.

By
Food, Gardens, Our Little Home
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