Category Archives: Mothering

Starry, starry night…

Is it irritating for me to be so flighty about my future here?  I’m still laid up and according to the doctors will be for a while yet.  I’m in a good bit of pain, not really sleeping, dwelling on disturbing news and over-all feeling rather despondent.  And kind of lonely and isolated to be honest.  I still can’t talk long without going on a coughing jag.  So reaching out in an accessible way, trying to focus on the positive seems kind of right.  But no word from me for over two months, followed by an emotional possible farewell forever post, and another random post a mere four days later?*  Kind of obnoxious.

The quilt….it’s been in progress for years and years.  I believe I bought the owl fabric for Iain for his 9th birthday?  Maybe even his 8th birthday?  I thought I may have taken him to pick out the fabrics to go with it, but now I’m not sure!  Maybe I picked them out?  I sketched out layouts and ideas, which changed from time to time….there are several in my sketch book…picked out a thread color and then changed my mind…moved the box of “Iain Quilt” fabrics from house to house, taking them out to look at from time to time…and so it went.  In 2015, with his  sixteenth birthday on the horizon, I started work in earnest, wanting to finally be able to give him this long awaited quilt.  It was to be a surprise and every moment he was out of the house I worked away a square at a time.  Each square was pieced and then quilted onto a scrap of cotton fleece.  I used up all the bits of fleece I had leftover from other projects.  I gave him the quilt top for his birthday.

I added a layer of wool batting and a backing of thick chocolate brown cotton velour, for a luxurious touch, and hand tied it all together with deep red floss.  All of this was completed within maybe two weeks of his birthday.  Nothing but binding left to go…..and……it sat.  For over a year.  I don’t know, I had some kind of a hang up about it.  But it is now, finally, totally and completely done and in use.  It is, by far, the warmest quilt I have ever made.  I’m so glad to have finally finished it for him!

*Most of this post was written four days after the last one.  Then somehow it just sat around (quilt like), never getting finished, for nearly a month.  Which is probably a sign.  But I still don’t know.  I’m missing this space right now.  As another side note, I have no idea what’s wrong with the formatting on the pictures from my last post and I’m too tired to even look into it.  Also, I wanted to again mention that I am on Instagram.  Whether or not I get back to regular posting here, that is one way to keep up with us a bit.  I don’t believe you need an account to view photos on-line.  I don’t totally love Instagram, but a single photo and little caption posted once in a while seems more do-able for me right now.

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Evolving

“It is something to know what to do with ourselves when we are beset, and the knowledge of this way of the will is so far the secret of a happy life, that it is well worth imparting to the children.  Are you cross?  Change your thought.  Are you tired of trying?  Change your thoughts.  Are you craving for things you are not to have? Change your thoughts; there is a power within you, your own Will, which will enable you to turn your attention from thoughts that make you unhappy and wrong, to thoughts that make you happy and right.  And this is the exceedingly simple way in which the Will acts.” ~Charlotte Mason

I think (hope) that we are finally past this recent bout of illness.  Never ending sickness seems to be everywhere this winter, doesn’t it?  I’m wiping all of the doorknobs, handles and drawer pulls with germ killing essential oils, and I added a bit to our hand washing soap as well.  We are quite ready to be done with all of this!

We are slowly getting back into a rhythm, adding in one thing at a time, including trying to be back in this space more often.  I’ve missed sharing here.   I’m reading A Charlotte Mason Companion: Personal Reflextions on The Gentle Art of Learning, which I started before, but was unable to finish before it had to be returned to the library.  I’ve taken it up again, this time with my own copy, which is rapidly becoming dogeared- even though I’m usually quite against that sort of thing.  But I  kind of bought it for just that purpose.

I’ve sign on for the 2017 in 2017 decluttering challenge and it feels fully soul satisfying and just very right at this moment to be distilling what is most important to us.

And on the subject of taking what feels good and right and letting the rest go, I’ve decided that our birthday sweater tradition needs tweaking.  It’s a tradition that we love in many ways, but the last couple of years it hasn’t flowed smoothly as it has in the past.  This year I told Iain and Mairi Rose well in advance that I wasn’t even going to try to finish their sweaters on time.  I’m not sure what this tradition is going to look like going forward.  I’m still thinking it over.  It did occur to me that when I started making a sweater for each child on every birthday, I had 3 small boys; one with a birthday in January, a tiny one in February and one in May.  Now I have two in January, one in February, one in March and one in May, with this year’s sweaters ranging in sizes from 4 to men’s large, and yet I’m still acting like things are just the same!  Including aspects like keeping them a complete surprise, even though with two teens in the house there are now multiple “children” who don’t go to bed until I should be!  I say should.  That doesn’t mean I do, but I’d like to see a shift there as well.

There are many changes happening in our lives right now.  This feels like a period of intense growth.  It feels strong.

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While we were away….

The last picture is of our arrival back home.

It was the week we discovered Seraphina’s love of slides.  On the way down the sky worked up a sampler as we encountered every kind of cloud imaginable.  I randomly took pictures of and off bridges.  We collectively discovered that while virtually useless in the country, when stuck in the suburbs, sidewalk chalk may well be one of the best things ever invented. I knitted a whole shawl, from start to finish, in less than a week, then cast on a cool weather cardigan for our littlest one.  My hands ached with knitting.  It’s possible that a simple textured shawl may be just about the most perfect sort of travel knitting.  We visited with sisters and aunts and uncles and grandparents.  Memories were made.

It was not easy.  Three of seven days in and lacking a co-parent, I found myself with three children who wanted to go home and one who wasn’t keen on coming in the first place. I coaxed and spoke of visits with Grandma and a trip to the Renaissance Faire.  They rallied.  Somewhat.  For segments of time.  The “better period” lapsed. My mother got sick.  A migraine set in.  Everywhere was loud; trains and traffic and sirens, and crowded and smelling of exhaust and lawn spray.  I’m sure all that was true on our last visit, but is just seemed so much more so this time.  Towards the end of the (marathon) week I started having visions of myself walking through my own front door, collapsing on the floor in tears of relief and fervently vowing never to leave the house again.  For a twist, I actually found myself sitting on my parent’s living room floor, the morning before returning home, after a grand total of 1 1/2 hours sleep, crying over what I’m not even sure I know.  Many people needed different things from me and it was not possible to accommodate them all.  There was heartbreak. It all seemed very tragic at the time.  And no, this is not how I usually behave.  My nerves were just that frayed.  Sensory over-load.  Too many, too fragile people to hold the space for.  As it turns out, we were decidedly not ready for travel just yet.

Coming home we left what felt like August and drove on into November.  I didn’t weep or make any dramatic declarations, but after the car was unpacked and the kids sent off to bed, I did sit with a cup of tea and stare at the fire for a good long while.

It’s chilly here now.  We missed peak foliage at the pond.  I’ve been thinking of making Mairi Rose a winter coat.  Quite suddenly it seems to be time to stop thinking and start sewing or come up with a plan B.  I’m glad and ready to be back home with my sewing machine.

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Confessions of a Frazzled Mother

I was scrolling back through recent posts, looking for something, and I got drawn into reading a bit here and a bit there.  And all I could think was, “For goodness sake.  Out with it woman!  Come on now!”  How ridiculous it must be for you as the reader to be subjected to all of these posts with their little cryptic hints and glimpses.  So I gave myself a stern talking to in which I told myself to either explain the situation or shut up already.  In truth I didn’t mean to mention any of this here at all, it just somehow seeped into my writing unbidden.

My issues with sharing this particular subject are that I don’t think I can succinctly explain the situation.  There are matters of privacy and stories that aren’t really mine to tell.  And it’s just depressing, which is not what you come here for and not what I want out of this space.

The very short version is that one of our children has been quite ill, for a long time now.  Over a year now struggling with various issues, with the last six months being desperately intense.  Thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of tests and treatments have not yielded much in the way of answers or improvement.  We know that Lyme Disease is a factor.  We know that EDS is probably contributing to the situation.  We know that there are some heart issues that may or may not have been triggered by Lyme.  But on the over-all picture, including why the logical treatments aren’t really having the desired effects, we’re still somewhat in the dark.

In the last 14 months, quite apart from on-going EDS/POTS issues, I’ve had two cases of lyme/babesiosis myself (If you’ve not heard of it, babesiosis is tons of fun.  It’s basically like having malaria).  Steve who is usually a rock health-wise has been dealing with his own complicated medical issues, also still unresolved.  That’s not even counting the constant barrage of minor issues that are bound to come up in a house full of seven people.

All of this comes after several years in a row of what felt like one endless health crisis after another.  Just to give you a feel, some of the highlights from last year alone included a stroke scare, worries over a potential aneurysm, three herniated discs, three members of the family requiring extensive cardiac work ups, followed by a recommendation of heart surgery for one, a sleep apnea diagnosis, concerns about a potential hole developing in a major blood vessel in my brain, and grounds for a dementia screening when a particularly fierce strain of Lyme went to my brain and I had trouble remembering what a month even was, much less what month it was.  Just to name a few.  Folks, I’m fried.  We all are.  It’s just too, too much.  And it’s been too, too much for too, too long.

What this means right now is that for three-four of the last six months I’ve had a child who can do next to nothing during the day and who is up literally all night, every night, in pain.  And by all night I mean until 5, 6, 7 am or later.  With the months on either end featuring maybe a good week or two where things seemed like they were getting back on track, followed by a decline ending right back where we started.  As the sole night time parent this means I’ve been up all night on every occasion.  Thankfully, Steve is able to take the early morning shift, from 3:30 or so on, on the weekends.  But with four other children, I can’t exactly sleep away the weekdays.  I’ve been tied to home, deprived of sleep, driven to desperation and frankly on the verge of collapse.

We’re in a “better” period just now.  Where I’m getting that last child off to bed once and for all by between 12:30 and 2 most nights.  With the child having a degree of wellness during the daytime that we can work with.  That picture above was taken just before two in the morning, when I finally had a chance to sit down to correct the day’s school work and prepare for, well, later that same, seemingly endless, morning.

I’ve honestly been very anxious, depressed and over-whelmed within this whole situation, though I am trying hard to fight it.

All the knitting and sewing and “where does she find the time?” projects?  This is what I do because I need to be near by, I need to force myself to stay awake, and I just don’t have the strength or brain power to do anything more.  And while my little projects are immensely comforting to me, I assure you I would far prefer a well child, a bit ‘o peace of mind and a good night’s sleep.

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Holding and Held

What to say? Galen has started work on Christmas presents.  Cucumbers and zucchinis are coming in.  The chickens are getting big…soon there will be eggs. It remains to be seen whether or not we will be able to eat them. At a time of year when most other gardens, ours included, are a fiery mass of colors, our front garden is having it’s white moment. It’s calmly beautiful, though short lived.  My favorite crimson rose is about to bloom again.

I’ve barely been knitting at all.  My head is swimming with lesson plans and meal plans and sewing projects and cold weather house preparations to be made.  I’m envious of mothers that have childless periods of time in which to think and work uninterrupted.  I could be so much more effective if I had the mental and physical space to plan and prepare.

The chickens aren’t the only ones growing.  I’m keenly aware that not just one, but two of my children will be able to vote in not the current, but the next presidential election!  I have two high-schoolers this year.  Iain is actively working through the state required steps for getting his driver’s license.  This growing children thing is getting serious!

My “baby” is no longer a baby, but an extremely active, clever and mischievous young girl, perhaps the very 2ist two year old I’ve ever encountered.  Last week when she was doing something naughty and being quite cheerful about it, I told her it wasn’t funny and she looked at me and replied, “I laughin’…”

This week marked a right of passage for my oldest daughter as well.  After many months of comments like, “There are only two people in dance class who don’t have their ears pierced.  You know who they are?  Me and Galen.”  And being assured that having pierced ears makes for a loving sister, with a sunny disposition, who does her chores without complaint and always remembers to put her clothes in the hamper, etc.  We finally agreed to take her to get her ears pierced.

Not being one to take for granted that the conventional way of doing things is always the best way and feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of some random kid at the mall putting holes in my child’s body, I did my research first.  Based on what I read, I decided that a professional piercer using traditional methods (as in a needle, not a gun) was the way to go for our family.

I nervously gave her some relaxing and pain relieving herbs in the waiting room before hand. She didn’t even bat an eye.  She didn’t flinch or whimper or cry, her eyes didn’t well up…she was just totally chill.  That girl is pretty hardcore.  We’re using chamomile tea bag compresses now, in addition to regular saline rinses, to help with healing and reduce the risk of infection.  She’s pleased as punch.  I don’t think there has ever been a gift she’s liked so much.

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The Handcrafted Wardrobe: On Mothering Daughters and Self-Worth

‘As a child, I never heard one woman say to me, “I love my body”. Not my mother, my elder sister, my best friend. No one woman has ever said, “I am so proud of my body.” So I make sure to say it to Mia, because a positive physical outlook has to start at an early age.’ ~Kate Winslet

I take this quote very differently from how I did the first time I read it.  I can’t say that I’m at a place where I’m comfortable walking around declaring myself a ravishing beauty, and I’m not sure that I would ever want to be.  But this much I know; I am now a mother of daughters.  They watch me and from watching me they are learning how to move through this world as women.  If I tell them they are beautiful while being harsh with myself, they will instinctively see beauty in their own children, but never in themselves.  If I say that I don’t like my smile or my waist or my hair or my thighs, that there are parts of me I am ashamed of, what will they think when someone innocently tells them how much they look like me?  I am proud of my body.  Against many obstacles, It has grown and nourished five unique and amazing people.  I don’t think I can ask better of it than that.

Long time readers of my blog may remember that in years past, I was virtually unseen.  I am 5′ 0″, maybe 20? 30 lbs? over weight at the moment.  I have thinning hair and more stretch marks than smooth spots.  I have crooked teeth and chronic dark circles under my eyes.  When I’m unwell all of my veins show through the skin on my arms and torso like some kind of freaky 3D diagram of the circulatory system.  I can be ghostly pale and often appear just plain haggard.  Growing up the message that I was given by society is that women like me do not deserve to be seen.  That we have to be altered before we are worthy.  Worthy of what exactly I don’t know.  Everything it seems.

I want to say that there is nothing wrong with me, but that would be an outright lie.  But the things that are “wrong’ with me are the makings of my own private struggles and manifestations of my humanity.  There is nothing about me that makes my image unfit for public consumption.

I knew that with this project I would be opening myself up to judgement.  And I have.  But I feel very blessed to be able to say that in over 10 years of blogging in this space I’ve only received one nasty comment.

I’ve spent pretty much my entire adult life trying to find a comfortable and healthy relationship with the shape of my body.  And it has been a challenge because over the last 17 years of motherhood, that shape has altered time and again.  I have my set backs, but mostly I accept and embrace what is.  In recent years I’ve been caught off guard in finding that I have a hard time seeing myself look sick.  I find it upsetting.  It makes me feel fragile and I find myself avoiding mirrors and cameras.  In part this project is a way of forcing myself to face myself.  I’ve found that I have to desensitize myself to my own image.  And a couple of years ago I started consciously doing just that. To try to be comfortable with sharing a picture even if my hair is a mess or I don’t like the look on my face or the way an outfit fits.  To get used to being me in the world, with all of my flaws and imperfections.  For me to accept who I am without fear or concern about what others will think of me.  Because that is what I want to teach my daughters, in all of their flawed, imperfect, deep, and eternal beauty.  That is the gift I want to give to them.  And I am not fit for this work of going against the world and myself and all I’ve been taught, but I plan to keep on trying all the same.

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full weekend

Such a full weekend!  I haven’t even had a chance to sort through my photos yet.  There were, uhm, over 1,000 when I transferred them.  How embarrassing!  I may have gone a bit overboard.  But it was a banner week.  Our baby turned two.  Our oldest got his driver’s permit (!) and of course there was Easter as well.

I do not have a single knitting project on needled right now.  Well, except for that perennial blanket project, but that doesn’t really count.  It is such a strange feeling!  Next up is more deadline knitting, in the form of Elijah’s birthday sweater, which I am very eager to start, but also a little nervous about.

For several years there I finished up Galen’s birthday sweater way in advance, so that after the holidays quickly followed by Iain and Mairi’s joint birthday, there would this delightfully exciting and relaxing lull.  I *love* creating for my children and doing special projects for the holidays and their birthdays.  But at the end, when all was finished it was this giant sigh of relief and giddiness when I realized that, WAIT!  There is nothing that I have to be working on right now!  I could start anything, anything at all!  Maybe even something for me?  Revolutionary idea there.  A whole world full of possibilities!

This is not so much the case anymore.  With the holidays in December, two birthdays in January, one in February, one in March and one in May, everything is pretty much back to back.  And now with regular deadlines for the shop* to factor in as well.  My stars, I feel like a busy woman.  Perhaps that relaxed, easy crafting feeling will hit come summer time?  Or maybe when my children are grown?!?

*I promise to start talking about other things again soon.

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Last Week

The newest little resident on our street; Rasputin Bissextus.  Possibly the funniest lamb name in all the history of sheepkind.  The Bissextus part was my children’s doing as it was their word of the day on February 29th, the morning of his birth- bissextus being the word for that day in the Julian calendar that comes but once every four years.

We’re playing the quarter jar game again.  Due to some unsavory influences out and about in the world, the children have been using some words that I prefer they didn’t.  We each have a jar.  Say a bad word, pay a quarter.  The person with the least at the end of the week takes the pot.  Because they are ones to quibble over such things, one of them declared that we needed a list of all the banned words, so there is no arguing over whether people owed a quarter or not.  So, in giant letters and dark marker he wrote up a list of all the worst words you could think of and posted it on my kitchen wall!  Swell.  What a welcome sight for any guests in our home!  Every time I walk by I both shake my head in dismay and laugh.

Trying to work with a toddler about is an exercise in frustration.  I set up my little stock of supplies and within 45 seconds tea has been spilled on my sketch.  Thirty seconds later and my embroidery floss is a tangled mess.  I try to set her up with a project of her own and it spreads and sprawls, pushing my own work off the table.  Even this lasts for but a moment or two before she wants to be on my lap and she would like the needle for herself.

The opening of Mama Collaborative was wonderful!  Thank you all so much for checking in and showing your support!  I wanted to take a picture of the various packages with their different colored wrappings, but I was feeling completely paranoid about mixing them up and thought it best not to risk it!  We had so much fun with our grand opening that we’ve decided to do a special stocking with gorgeous and fun seasonal treasures just in time for Easter and the Equinox.  More on that later in the week!

I’m starting A Week in the Life, full well knowing that it’s going to be a week quick to live and long to post.

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The Stocking Formula

I do think I’m making all this sound a lot grander then it actually is.  It’s just that I’ve been filling children’s stockings for 16 years now and in that time I’ve gotten a feel for what works for our family and what doesn’t.  As I noticed a certain pattern emerging over the time, I found that just being able to mentally plug in something to fit each category really simplified things for me, so that I don’t feel like I’m starting from scratch with five empty stockings each year.

Now in our household the stockings are ostensibly filled by Santa Claus, though at the moment no one is in a very Santa place; fickle, jaded little creatures.  I jest!  I jest!  Really either way is fine.  And we only started doing the Santa thing at all at their request.  But that’s the context that this tradition was born of.  The stocking gifts tend to be the only ones we wrap in paper.  It seemed unlikely that Santa would use the gift bags obviously made by me, therefore…  Plus there is something undeniably more exciting about tearing the wrapping off a package compared to opening a bag.  And since all other gifts, at all other points in the year are wrapped in play silks or fabric bags, that little bit of paper is an extra special treat.

Each child’s stocking gifts are wrapped in a specific color, every year without fail; one child’s in silver, another in gold, green, red, blue.  That way, even if everyone dumps the contents on the floor and it all gets mixed up, everyone knows without a doubt which gifts belong to whom.  Also, as you will see below, sometimes not all of the stocking contents actually fit in the stocking.  Which seems counterintuitive, I know.  But you will understand better in a moment.  In that case the ill-fitting gift is placed under the stocking and again the color-coded wrapping saves on confusion.  Also, it’s just a sweet little detail!

On to the formula: candy canes, gum, a deck of cards, art or craft supplies, a beautiful book and an optional practical item (as needed).

Candy Canes- I know of two companies that make big, beautiful, old-fashioned candy canes- worthy of pride of place, hanging out over the stocking’s edge- without the use of corn syrup or artificial dyes.  Hammond’s “Natural” line of candy canes come in a wide variety of flavors and Giambri’s (a little smaller and more moderately priced) come in both traditional mint and lemon.  Both companies still make other candy canes with more questionable ingredients, so be extra careful to purchase from their “all-natural” lines.  Yes, they are still sticks of pure sugar, but it’s Christmas.

For tiny ones we substitute fruit leather.  For tiny-tiny ones fresh fruit.

Gum- B-Fresh Gum.  A very rare treat.  This one is sugar free, corn free, gluten free, etc. Has no artificial ingredients or preservatives and is actually a source of water soluble calcium and b-12.

Same substitutions as above for wee folks.

A Deck of Card- Our family plays a lot of card games, usually over meals.  Cards lead a rough existence here!  In the event that we feel that enough have survived the year we make a substitution here.  I think that happened once.  Most often it’s just a deck of cheap regular old playing cards as they suit our needs just fine.  Occasionally someone will get another sort of card game entirely, such as Skip-Bo, Uno, or Quiddler (one of our all-time favorite games!).

Art or Craft- This can be anything from a pack of window crayons to a ball of yarn to a set of woodworking files depending on the age and interests of the child.  This is one area where the size and shape of an object might not conform to stocking dimensions.  So while one child’s colored pencils might fit and another’s carving knife is just fine, the third’s lap loom might need to rest below the stocking.  I prefer to get them something from each category, and from that whatever really suits the child, rather than just something that will fit.

A Beautiful Book- Not just any book, but a truly special one, chosen with great care that hopefully really speaks to the child and meets them where they are at.  There are few greater gifts.  I have a personal rule that I only buy them books that are either not available through our interlibrary loan system or which I know they will read many, many times over.  Board books and many novels fit nicely in most stockings, but picture books or say a beautifully illustrated, hardbound collection of poetry, do not.  So this another area where some of the books may be in stockings and some may not, since I want to give everyone a book no matter what phase they are in.

Miscellaneous (optional)- Some years there might be a little something else, usually something practical. This year for example, everyone is getting a small wooden comb because they all keep borrowing Mairi’s which is now broken and in need of replacing!

A Note on doll stockings:

This one is kind of the wild card.  Many, many moons ago, on an adorable impulse, the older boys and I sewed a set of stockings for their beloved Waldorf dolls and the doll stockings became something of a family tradition.

Some ides for filling doll stockings:

  • shoes, hats or any other doll accessories
  • small crystals or gemstones
  • little gnomes or smaller dolls to act as the dolls’ dolls
  • a small wooden or needle felted animal, a little teddy bear
  • a tiny house plant
  • a little edible treat (you would be amazed at how giving most dolls can be, they almost always are willing to share with their keepers!)
  • dolly dress-ups: doll sized fairy wings, a wee gnome hat, a cape, etc

While I used to lean towards the fancier things on this list, these days it tends to be something very simple, like a crystal or bit of food.

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comfort knitting

More simple baby knits in soul soothing baby colors.  As mindless as mindless can be.  And even so I noticed a mistake in my first row of ribbing.  Ribbing for goodness sake!  Can you imagine?  And I also decided I was too beat to care enough to fix it.

I’m just barely reading Anne of the Island from the Anne of Green Gables series.  I picked it up at random in the bathroom one day.  Are other people’s houses like this?  We have books everywhere, but they seem to kind of funnel here.  Especially in the upstairs one where Galen thinks he’s being clever and sly by hiding out in there to read after lights out time.  Once a week or so, usually over Sunday dinner, I’ll mention that I counted, say, 11 books in there earlier and as there aren’t 11 people in this house that can read, it seems like maybe some of them could be returned to shelves?  I don’t even know who was responsible for the appearance of this one, but no one has complained about it going missing yet.  I could be reading any one of my more serious books, but I’m so tired that I wouldn’t remember a bit of them anyway and so the balm of good, old, reliable, steadfast Anne with an “E” it is.

Wee Miss Seraphina Violet Juliette, usually the very picture of glowing, roly-poly, rose cheeked health, who never gets any more than a touch of what may be going around, has developed the worst case of croup that I’ve ever borne witness to, resulting in several scary, sleepless nights for the both of us.  Thankfully it has just about run its course.  It’s been such a relief to hear her singing to herself again, even if her voice is still just barely more than a little squeak.  Things seem to be improving, but it’s been another very long week, in a streak of long weeks.

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