Category Archives: Life

life goes on

When I haven’t posted here for a while I have a hard time getting back into it.  I sometimes feel like I’ve lost my voice.  Kind of like when you run into an acquaintance you haven’t seen for a while and neither of you really knows what to say.  It’s hard to get the conversation started. I think it was good for me to have a break.  It made me wonder about my future in this space.  Perhaps it’s time to move on?

As you may have guessed, our computer problems passed the point of no return.  My laptop wouldn’t stay on for more than 2 minutes at a time.  It has since been replaced, but I’m not completely set up here yet.

I don’t think it will come as a great galloping shock to anyone to hear that I’ve been struggling this summer, and if I’m completely honest for some time before.  There are many factors, but I think the most pressing one is this feeling that I’m spending my entire life either being sick or trying to catch up from being sick.  Normally I’m very good at putting things into perspective.  This is my life.  This is the body I’ve been given and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to make the most out of every possible moment!  But this last round kind of did me in.  Not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  The last time I got Lyme Disease, I was probably the healthiest I’d ever been in my adult life.  I had worked very hard to get to that point.  And in all the time since I’ve never recovered even a fraction of that level of wellness.  I made it back to functioning (and even that often requires a whole lot of just pushing through the exhaustion and pain) and never more.  To be in that situation again, I couldn’t help but wonder what would be lost this time?  The better part of a much needed summer for starters.  So I’ve struggled.  I am struggling.  But I’m trying.  And the more I can be a part of the beautiful every day and reclaim my life as I wish it to be, the lighter that burden feels.

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EDS / POTS, Kids, Life
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raw

(except for yarn)

I just finished reading The Good Life Lab: Radical Experiments in Hands-On Living.  It was fine, I guess.  I never really got into it.  A childless couple who are into conceptual art and electronics, living in the dessert and essentially homesteading.  It’s wonderful that there are so many ways for people to step to the side of consumer culture and take more control and responsibility for their own lives.  They just came at it from a very different angle, most of which doesn’t really apply to my life or really appeal to me either.  I think it’s very unlikely that I’m going to be doing a lot of prickly pear cacti wildcrafting in the mountains of New England!

“The chains of the body are often wings to the spirit.” ~Nelson Mandela

I’m still working on that blanket.  Approximately, 49,840 stitches so far (I don’t know what my thing is with knitting math lately).  It’s been something of an obsession for me.  A great many of those stitches, especially in the beginning, where knit laying down with eyes closed.  Many times I would pick it up as a distraction, to try to knit through pain, both physical and emotional.  It’s been kind of a life line for me.  If I can just keep knitting this blanket, full of the past and making way for the future, just maybe everything will be ok.

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Books, Life, WIP, Yarn Crafts
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Our Trip

What to say? We arrived late, due to weather and left early, due to weather. The trip home was what I deemed an adventure (!) when speaking to the children and thought truly treacherous with a shudder to myself- washed out roads, low to no visibility, etc. With all the time in the car I knitted an entire little dress and started a wee sweater. I read the better part of Home Grown while trying to convince an over-tired toddler to drift off to sleep.

We never actually made it to the ocean, though we did spend some time at the bay. I feel that lack distinctly. A summer without standing in awe at the vastness of endless waves seems incomplete.

We stayed in a yurt for the first time and were introduced to an ice-cream shop that had a (comparatively) huge selection of gluten and dairy free treats. That was a find! Hello, salted-caramel ice cream topped with hot fudge! Everyone was thrilled, including baby girl who devoured an all fruit smoothie.

Mairi Rose and Galen were in a Summer Solstice play. Galen, a dapper fox in his old Halloween costume. I made Mairi’s costume from this dress of mine. I took it apart and put it together so many times trying to work out the pattern, that the bust never laid right. I did work out that pattern with it though and have since made another dress utilizing it.

I documented a sunset on the beach one night with sleeping babe beside me while Steve and the kids were off on a sandbar, playing frisbee.

The whole trip had a detached from reality feel to it and it’s hard, looking back, for me to really feel that it actually happened. There were many good things, but the underlying theme was one of feeling unsettled and disconnected. This is the same trip that we’ve taken for, gosh eight or nine years now. All of the families involved are, or used to be, ones that we were close to. But we moved away from all of them quite a while ago now. And for most this is the one time of year that we see them. Time marches on. They all see each other regularly and many new families have joined the group. We’ve been replaced many times over and really we are just an afterthought now, if we’re thought of at all. Each year I feel like we’ve been more and more removed and this year the whole family felt it keenly. As Galen said, when he came back to our campsite, dejected, on our first evening there, “No one remembers me.” It’s not that our old friends no longer care for us, or vice versa, it’s just that our lives don’t relate to each other the way that they once did.

Add to that the fact that this is the second time that I’ve come home from this particular trip with Lyme Disease and I think this may well have been our last year. At least for a while. Just last year I was musing about how long this tradition would go on. I suspect it will continue on for a very long time. We just may no longer be a part of it, which is something I hadn’t really considered. This yearly trip has been a large part of our lives. Letting go isn’t something that I do well and I confess, I’m struggling with this. We had a really good thing going while it lasted.

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celebrations and festivals, Holidays, Kids, Life, sewing, snapshots, Yarn Crafts
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5,869 yards of yarn

Recently an acquaintance made a comment about my making a good deal of the children’s clothing.  She said that obviously I had a lot more free time than most people.  It was the kind of comment that I would usually just let slide.  But, without missing a beat or so much as even looking up from what he was doing, Galen (age 9) firmly replied, “No, she has less time, she just uses it more wisely”.

Up until now, the only yarn that I had purchased this year was the yarn for Elijah’s Santa hat.  When we started taking a closer look at our finances and trying to figure out where exactly our money was going, I was very curious to see what I spend a year in craft supplies.  When we worked it all out I actually thought it was quite reasonable, considering the sheer quantity of clothing, gifts, toys and other practical items that I produce for our household each year.  Even so, I challenged myself to drastically cut my spending this year, mainly because it’s one of the few expenses that I, and I alone, am in complete control of.  And so I’ve not bought any yarn.  Or any fabric for that matter.  I do a lot of “shopping at home”, trying to get creative with what I have.  I was considerably helped along by a friend who decided that knitting was not for her and passed her small stash on to me, for which I am very grateful (and probably a good deal less twitchy).

Knitpicks just had their big summer sale and I decided it was time to break my yarn fast and purchase yarn for next years’ birthday sweaters.

I knit and create because it’s who I am and I honestly believe I would go stark raving mad without it.  I justify it by being fastidious about my projects to insure that the items I make cost less then they would have to buy.  I also like to think that my clothing is more ethical.  It’s true that the supplies have to come from somewhere and I confess, I often don’t know exactly where, but at least one level of potential sweatshop work is eliminated.  This is getting more complicated as children grow.  It takes a great many skeins of yarn to cover Iain these days and my creations no longer seem like such a bargain.

I asked the children if they wanted any kind of say in this year’s sweaters.  Two said they wanted to be surprised.  One is too young to express an opinion- don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she has an opinion, this one is full of opinions!  She’s just not yet capable of fully articulating it.  One gave some color ideas.  And one selected an intricate, six color, fair-isle in fingering weight yarn.  uh-huh.  I would get all indignant, but I think we all know I had that one coming.

I thought I would chose a really feminine color for Mairi this year, since last year’s sweater was olive green and the year before a grey-blue.  Besides, I was in that kind of mood.  Of course when I looked at the catalog with her, I learned that all of her favorite yarns just now are blue, green or brown.  So much for that!  I went with a pretty cornflower blue instead because it seemed a little out of the ordinary.  I went with pink for Seraphina out of sheer rebellion.  Of course it’s not in the least the shade I was looking for.  Even with all of the yarn options out there, I can’t tell you how often I go looking for a very particular color and can’t find it.  I want to be the person who decides on yarn colors.  I think that might just be my dream job.

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Holidays, Kids, Life, WIP, Yarn Crafts
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coping

“I can think of several times in my life when knitting kept me from slapping some fool upside the head.”~Stephanie Pearl McPhee

I have several of Stephanie’s books floating around the house just now.  I can’t really say that I’m reading them exactly.  I mostly find myself just closing my eyes during any potential reading moments.  Sometimes the book is nearby, if that counts for anything.

Spots on the family futon sick bed are awarded on a greatest need basis.  We’re kind of just living all one on top of another.  You know that scene in one of the Little House books where they all have malaria and Laura is trying to crawl, dragging herself across the floor to get Mary a drink of water?  There were times this week that felt like that, only perhaps a bit less dramatic (perhaps more, there was often more than one person crying).  Today was good though.  It was a beautiful day and all five children felt well enough to play.  I can’t tell you what a relief that was.  I’ve been so worried.  Perhaps things are starting to turn around.

I started a new knitting project.  One that I can work on even with my eyes closed.  The idea came from one of those Yarn Harlot books.  It’s a knitted scrap book- scrap blanket? of sorts using all of the yarn leftover from old projects.  It’s like the crazy quilt of the knitting world.  What really sold me on it was the fringe, read as: less ends to work in.  In theory there should be no ends, but since I insist on using even tiny balls of yarn that won’t make it the full 280 stitches across a row, there will still be some finishing work for me.

I’m working a single row of each yarn leaving a long tail at either side. Every 4 rows I knot the ends from those rows together.  The only color rule I’ve applied to it is that I’m alternating a neutral and color every other row.  My theory being that it might help to blend this crazy range of hues together.  

There is something very cathartic about this project and also something deeply comforting.  It’s helping me to keep patient and hope.  Cotton from booties beside wool from a birthday sweater, next to yarn from a shawl, bordering yardage from a diaper cover.  In a way this really is our story.  It’s about the past, but also the future; using up those last little bits to make room for the projects, and the accompanying milestones, to come.

All three boys have picked it up at one point or another and sat knitting anything from a few stitches to a few rows.  Mairi made her very first stitches on this blanket, working in some of the leftover yarn from the little elf cap I made for her when she was a baby.  I added a stripe of the yarn she chose for her first project right after it.  We will always remember that little spot, knit by a “perfectly medium sized girl” glowing with pride.  Afterwards she declared that she might just be a “perfectly big girl” now.

In addition to starting to learn to knit this week, Mairi Rose is learning to read.  The book pictured is Living Alphabet, for those interested!

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Books, Homeschooling, Kids, Life, WIP, Yarn Crafts
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walloped.

In the 10 days since we’ve been back I have fought off an infection, contracted a cold, developed a severely (according the the chiropractor) pinched nerve in my lower back that prevented me from lifting my legs higher than a couple of inches and made it impossible to do things like sleep or find a comfortable (read as non-excruciating) position ever and today I was officially diagnosed with Lyme Disease.  Again.  That’s without even mentioning the ailments of the rest of the family, some of which we haven’t even been able to identify yet.  I think I’m ready to be done with this week please.

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Life
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Cherishing Womb Wraps

“I want us as women to enjoy our timeless beauty and feminine essence.”

~ Claire, owner and creator of Cherishing Woman

I’ve recently had the privilege of trying a womb wrap for the first time.  It’s a concept I became interested in after my last pregnancy.  On her inspiration for creating these wraps, Claire says,  “I was needing the comfort and warmth on a physical level as well as on an emotional/comfort level. Like feeling wrapped in loving arms and held there all day till taking it off.”

My wrap is the lilac organic cotton one.  I tie it a little funny.  I don’t do well with things tied around my waist, so I wrap it around my hip bones instead, which would also work well during pregnancy.  My bone structure in that area isn’t terribly stable, so that bit of extra support doesn’t hurt either.

The idea is to bring warmth and a very gentle support to the back, kidneys, and womb area.  The wrap itself is a pleasant thing, and it’s worth wearing as is, but the really incredible, brilliant part is this: there is I pocket.  I know, you are so not impressed, right?  But wait, there is more.  This is not just any pocket.  Oh, no.  This is a pocket to hold a hot water bottle!  Right there, all attached to your body!  Front or back, where ever you need it!  Hands free, going about your life all warm and cozy and comforted!  I think that other people -normal people- may not be as in love with hot water bottles as I am.  But here is the thing- other people are just wrong because hot water bottles are wonderful.  You know that kind of chronic pain that you get so used to living with that you don’t even really recognize it as being there anymore?  It’s just the background noise of your body until something happens to relieve it a bit and that little reprieve is just pure bliss?

I can’t help but think how amazing this would be for a postpartum mother.  It would certainly be a truly unique gift.  You can totally lay and nurse comfortably with a hot water bottle kept in just the right spot.  I know, I tried.  The wee miss liked it too and drifted off quicker then usual.

I’ve been eyeing up the grey bamboo fleece for winter time when I’m always cold.  I think it must be like the equivalent of a teddy bear for grown ups girls.

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Life, Mama Care
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glimpse

What is it really like to have a large active family with a multitude of food allergies?  With in this house there is at least one person who can’t handle each of the following: eggs, dairy, gluten, corn, grains of any sort, legumes (all beans and peanuts), chocolate, mold in food (including fungi- in other words, mushrooms), almonds and potatoes.

Special feeding circumstances I have to contend with this week include; backpack food for children on a day long hike, back to back dance recitals, a potluck, group family day on the beach-including picnic lunch, and planning for a week long camping trip.

It’s currently 11:45 pm.  I’m sitting here with 24 lbs worth of sleeping baby on my back.  The older boys were kind enough to make some dairy free ice cream before going to bed.  It’s chilling for a special event tomorrow.  They do, however, seem to have neglected the cleaning up part.  I have strips of beef marinating in the fridge, mango slices (they were having a big blow out sale) and strawberry fruit leather drying in the dehydrator, I just took a crustless pumpkin pie out to cool and put some plantain based sesame bread sticks in to bake.  I still have to figure out what to pack for two little ones who will be away from home tomorrow.  They are supposed to bring “light, non-messy, nut free snacks”.  Graham crackers, pretzels or cheese sticks were suggested.  Uh-huh.

My advice to you?  Make babies that tolerate a wide range of foods.

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Food, Housewifery, Life
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baby shawls and wealth

A heartwarmer for my wee darling girl.  Just the thing for cool spring mornings and evenings.  The pictures of her wearing it are pre-blocking.  We were just trying it on.  The other two are from after it was blocked.  As sweet as it looked all buttoned on, the buttons kept popping back out of the holes when she moved.  I’ve since sewn some lace trim to the ends, allowing me to tie it in the back, which is far more practical and stays very nicely.

The main yarn is the same skein that I used for the flowers on her birthday sweater.  I discovered it at a sheep and wool festival when she was just a tiny bundle of a babe.  It was locally dyed using indigo and according to the dyer, a mistake!  It wasn’t the color that she meant to make at all, but it was just the color I was looking for.  This is somehow her color.  My Sweet Wild Violet.  It was just this soft shade of pale, muted, grey-mauve-lilac that I craved through my entire pregnancy.

I finished reading Saved: How I Quit Worrying About Money and Became the Richest Guy in the World.  I’ve been asked my opinion, so I will try to give it.

To my mind the book had three main themes.  The first was a portrait of a simple life, far removed from our society’s excepted norm.

That someone would live in a tiny, unfinished home, with no running water, etc, is not shocking to me, as I have done it myself-complete with bucket toilet*.  Nor am I the slightest bit surprised by the subject’s gratitude for that space.  I have never in my life been more deeply grateful for a home then I was for our “Little House”.  That’s where the original name of the blog came from; Little Home Blessings.  It’s also no great revelation that there is the potential for someone to get really burned out living that way.

The middle section is kind of an over-view of the history and workings of our current monetary system.  Which was interesting, in and of itself.  The author has a sense of humor, which I appreciate considering the potential dryness of the subject.

The final motif is a kind of call to arms, meant to inspire people to change, well, just about everything.  The honest truth about what I was thinking while I read this is that I’m tired.  I’m really, really tired.  It’s an exhaustion that’s beyond words.  I’m too tired to save the world today.  Too tired to fight everything…all of society, the status quo, everything.  Even just thinking about it makes me want to curl up in fetal position, with my hands over my head, begging everyone to leave me alone.  And at the same time there is an aching guilt that I have that privileged when so many don’t.

I agree with many of his assertions.  I try to be intentional about most decisions in life- sometimes to the point of paralysis, but that’s another topic altogether- finances included.  That said, some of the concepts he presents feel short-sighted to me.  He believes that ideally everyone would value life and friendship and community above money and that we’ll all sit around singing Kumbaya together and if someone gets hurt or is in need there will be people who happily step in to help.  While that’s a beautiful idea, looking around, I’m quite sure we’re not there yet.  To live as if we are (choosing not to have insurance or savings of any kind, borrowing other people’s possessions, living off their land, etc) puts the burden on others.  And there are many situations where that is a positive experience for everyone involved.  But if something happens in life, and it will because that’s the way life is, the burden of those who can’t remove themselves from the system is now increased.  In the end, living your beautiful, simple life without worrying about money may well mean that someone else has to worry about it all the more and have a lower quality of life as a result.  Beyond which, most of us are so deeply entrenched at this point that we can’t just step off the carousal and go skipping off into the woods…not matter how much we may want to.  So, while I agree with the premise, I’m just not sure it’s all that easy.

This is what I do know; gratitude, a deep heartfelt acknowledgment of all life’s blessings is the most profoundly life-altering practice a person can cultivate.  From gratitude comes an appreciation of what you have, which gives it value.  When you value something you are more likely to care for it.  We can only realistically care for a finite number of possessions, resulting in awareness of the commitment ownership confers and so forth.  You see where this is going?

This is what I say- find joy.  Love life, love each other, try to help where you can, be aware of others and how your choices affect them-including trees, animals, the earth, do the best you can-if you can mange to smile while doing it, all the better and try to be thankful every day for the gift of that day.  I think that Ben would agree with me that in doing so, you will find true wealth.

*As opposed the the author’s experience, our younger children were somewhat in awe of flush toilets.  Repeatedly flushing the toilet and watching the water just magically disappear was the highlight of many rental home tours, somewhat to the dismay and much to the confusion of various real estate agents.

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baby things, Books, Kids, Life, Yarn Crafts
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