and several members of my family are currently in my freezer along with the Virgin Mary.

These are my excuses for my general lack of posting here for the last week or so, though I imagine that the last one, rather then explaining anything, just raises more questions.

We’re not sure what happened with the camera. I just know that I found it broken on the floor, at the end of a day when we had had 11 children in and out of the house. I’m not concerned about how it happened, just sad to have lost it. But Steve always, always takes care of me and makes sure that I have things of this sort that he knows I consider Most Important. Pictures of my babies and pictures of our house in our last days in it being high priorities at the moment. He came home with a box for me last night and I now have a camera at hand once again.

The sick is kind of obvious as we, just like everyone else I know, have been passing around various illnesses without break.

Which brings me to the moving part. I may well be tempting fate by posting this here, but I think we may have found a house. This is the third time now that we thought we were moving and something came up at the last minute both times before. We’re supposed to be signing the lease today with taking over the house as of the first of December (though we probably won’t move until later that week). The house isn’t ideal, but it seems like it will keep us well enough and it’s quite charming.

The move itself is coming upon us rather suddenly, as this has only just been settled in the last day or two. I’ve spent the batter part of a week now of two minds; one worrying about things like finding a way to insulate under the house before snow flies and the other trying to remember little things like being sure to copy down the ages and heights marked off in the doorway of our old pantry, before we leave it forever, all the while never knowing which was the more practical and useful line of thought.

As for the sordid contents of my freezer, well it’s not actually sordid, thrilling, or otherwise interesting at all really. Still, it’s kind of odd to have my great grandmother looking up at me while I’m searching for some berries. I have a few important family photos tucked in there, ones that we felt we had a good chance at saving or ones that are very important to us; ones that we’re willing to take a chance for. The theory goes that 6 straight weeks of being frozen will kill any mold spores that may have survived our cleaning.

Moving means that we finally have to face the old house; to go through the process of sorting through the remains of our former life. It’s long sad work that makes me ill in both body and heart.

The Virgin Mary is just an old memorial card. My Grandmother’s actually. My mother and my aunts made sure that they used a Madonna and Child. They wanted a mother and baby on it. My grandmother loved babies.

On the back it has an Irish Blessing. You know the one…

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

May the rain fall soft upon your fields,

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

I don’t know why, but right now it’s a comfort to me. I’ve been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately. Years ago I put it in a little frame, though I rather regret that decision now. I clipped the edges to make it fit and now part of the Irish Blessing is missing.

I think I need not to be a mother today. Just for a little while. Trying to process my own emotions while continuing to “hold the space” for them so that they can feel and express all that they are going through at this point, well I’m finding the two to be incompatible. They’re too much, I’m too much, we’re far too much all together. Sometimes I wish I could just step aside from that reality, just for a bit. Not to be rid of them, but for their benefit. A place free of teething babies, rebellious preschoolers, sibling negotiations, and children mourning, where I can begin to comprehend how we are going to navigate the holidays, the birthdays, the plays and concerts, all the preparations, all of the crafting, all of the packing and living that needs to happen in the next 47 days, all while moving house. And what’s more, finding a way to meet all of that with the grace and beauty that they deserve.

But there is no way to step aside, to gather my wits, to catch my breath. I just have to steep in it and muddle my way through and hope for the best.