Generally speaking I try to be content with my lot in life. I try to appreciate what I have in this world and try to bare in mind the astounding number of people in this world that have so much less. I’m not saying that I’m always successful, mind you, but I do try…

Then there are those days where it all just gets away from me somehow. I’m coming off of a stomach bug, and still reeling from yet another financial blow. Sometime in the wee hours of this morning as I was trying to scrape kid puke out from between the cracks of our unfinished floor after trekking through the snow to fetch towels to sop it up with, the seeds of discontent were starting to swell.

It happens every so often that I have these little rebellions within myself, against the world and my place in it. This morning when I woke up, not at all refreshed, was one of those times. The “I wants” just seem to spiral out of proportion. The fact that I can’t currently manifest any of it can be harrowing…

I want to buy books. I want running water. I want walls and doors and to be far, far away from shiny foil. I want to see my husband, to share a bed with him again, to have time together.

I want more room. I want a mirror. I want big gardens. I want to go out without having to worry about getting sick.

I want to go visit my extended family. I want to create the perfect play-space for my kids. I want lots and lots of beautiful yarn.

I want clothes that make me feel sexy. I want the wedding that we never had. I want a couple of hours to myself. I want for our roof not to be leaking. I want my cat.

I want to have my teeth/TMJ taken care of and all of my other medical bills paid off. I want to know what to feed my kids to keep them well.

I want fun. I want laughter and joy. I want a dresser to store our clothes in. I want beds for the kids.

I want to take yoga classes and learn to spin on a wheel. I want to go on vacation. I want to have friends.

I want to have hope. I desperately want more babies. I want to spend more time relaxing and enjoying the babies I already have. I want a camera that works. I want to get enough sleep and be totally well again.

I want for my house to be safe. I want to know for certain that my children are healthy and well. I want an actual bathroom and an actual kitchen. I want to go to a concert. I want to go out and dance. I want more money and more time and much, much less stress.

I want, I want, I want….and on and on spirals my own private tantrum, growing ever more like a petulant child stomping her foot. I want. I want so much and yet it seems like so little. A place to live comfortably, with the time and energy to enjoy my family together in good health. That would be really quite enough for me and it doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

But I can’t have it and that’s just the way things are…. No amount of struggling against the constraints of my life is going to fix that, nor will a tantrum of the mind help. So after a dunk in my self-indulgent pity pool, I moved on… I straightened up and got rid of that last box that was lingering full of random homeless things. I started tying up the loose ends on various projects. I made room and space so that I could be more comfortable in my own life again. .. And it helped. I was able to be more at ease and to quiet the voices in my mind.

I didn’t get as far as I would have liked, but there is always tomorrow. At the very least I’m going to be sure to wash the table cloth and change the sheets. It’s amazing what something as simple as a clean tablecloth and a fresh set of sheets can do to comfort a troubled soul.

I find I do much better when I all I try to deal with is making life more pleasant right now. There is too much to think about and too much to worry about in the future. My kids and my life need me now. I know there is a lot left to be figured out and there are going to be days when I’m faced with it all. It just seems to me that the more days that I deal with what’s at hand, the more days that will be better off for us all.

In knitting notes:
The herringbone sweater is probably going to need some frogging. I got to the point of doing the pattern and worked through it all one while I was sick. I ended up with one too few stitched in the last row, but was far too exhausted and dizzy to figure it out at the time.

Rosa’s Slippers are completely knitted. They still need to be sewn together and felted. I’m thinking about adding a bit of embroidery as well.